Making More Space For Pleasure
....journal prompts, a somatic practice, and more for the full moon in Leo
Almost all of us have had a sexual fantasy…and probably almost just as many of us have experienced some level of shame or guilt around having those sexual fantasies.
Shame tells us that there’s something wrong with us for having those desires. That we’re broken, that we’re sinful, that we’re some sort of freak for having those types of thoughts and desires. Guilt might tell us that we will hurt people in our lives if we were to take any sort of action towards exploring that fantasy — even if that’s just reading a spicy story.
Even if we think it’s not a big deal because it’s “just sex”, carrying around these emotions can have a significant impact and be quite harmful.
In his book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life psychologist Dr. Justin Lehmiller says, “When people believe that their sexual desires are uncommon, weird, or abnormal, they tend to repress them – they keep these desires to themselves, with perhaps Google being the only other entity that has any clue. That isn’t healthy.”
Carrying around this shame and guilt about our fantasies and deeper desires can have long term impacts on the way that we show up in our sex lives, including how our body responds and how much we are able to experience pleasure and satisfaction. As I wrote about in my last newsletter, it can also impact the way we feel about ourselves and the way that we show up in our relationships and in the rest of our lives.
So how do we get rid of these types of emotions?
When it comes to sex and our bodies, I hear a lot of talk about “releasing shame”, “releasing guilt”.
I know that I have used this language, and for most of my twenties, it was something that I was desperately trying to do for myself. I really wanted to be some sort of shame-free sexuality educator fairy who could live her best slutty life and help others find their own version of a shame-free, liberated sex life.
…While I think that this was (and is) a nice idea, I don’t think that pushing these emotions to the side is actually that helpful. We need to take time to integrate these emotions before we can release them - or else they are just going to keep coming back up.
Because here’s the thing: guilt and shame want to be acknowledged, and they have important things to say to us.
Shame and guilt are usually trying to protect us by trying to help us maintain connection and belonging — both of which are essential to survival — and when we try to push them to the side, it often makes our bodies fight even harder to make us understand.
While certainly painful to experience and to acknowledge, both shame and guilt can help us know when we have done (or are contemplating doing) something harmful to others and/or when we have done something that is not in accordance with our values. They can be a signal to address whatever rupture has occurred and to make a repair.
They can also be a signal that there is something about us that is going against deeply engrained cultural messages and norms around our bodies, gender, relationships, and sexual expression. When it comes to our fantasy lives, I think that this is what most of us are experiencing.
In the Pleasure Mechanics blog, sex educator Chris Maxwell writes, “Sexual shame is a cultural force, rooted in thousands of years of sexual oppression. For generations, sexuality has been repressed by the church and state. The only permissible form of sex was reproductive intercourse. Women who were deemed too sexual were punished and locked up. Children were brutally punished for masturbating. Getting pregnant out of wedlock would mean being cast out of your family and social network. All of this is just one generation behind us, and in some parts of the world sexual oppression is still so insidious that women are killed for being accused of adultery. It is important not to underestimate the power of this history. We are all affected by this cultural legacy, no matter how liberated we believe ourselves to be.”
If you lived in a sex positive culture, one where we received comprehensive sex education, where people recognized that sexuality is a normal (and even beautiful!) part of being a human, where we learned that there is a diversity in sexual desire and expression, and where we all felt safe expressing these things to our partners, you probably would not be having so much guilt or shame about fantasizing about that threesome.
The trick with all this is not to try to eradicate shame or guilt – but to see these emotions as an invitation to bring some curiosity to what you are experiencing, to use that curiosity to try to understand how these feelings might be trying to protect you, and to integrate what you find.
This is the real magic, the way that we can find the release that so many of us want to experience.
It is the way that we can ultimately create more space for pleasure.
Full Moon in Leo
I love the energy of this full moon for working with the limiting beliefs that might be holding us back from experiencing pleasure in our fantasy lives!
Occurring at 9:55am PT on January 25, 2024, this full moon takes place in the sign of Leo and is in close opposition to Pluto, which has just transitioned into Aquarius.
Leo energy is all about self-worth and letting yourself shine, which is why I think it’s so perfect for this work. As @nourishednatasha says in this Instagram post, this moon explores themes around following your heart, inner fire, being yourself, confidence, letting go of limiting beliefs, and releasing any negative self-talk.
This is a time to deeply listen to what your heart wants – and to work towards shifting the beliefs that might be holding you back from embodying those wants and desires.
Letting Yourself Explore & Be Curious
In light of us, I have created some journal prompts and a gentle yoga practice that can be done around this topic. I’ve also offered some ways that you can turn it into more of a ritual.
If you’re into astrology and moon cycles and want to incorporate the energy of this full moon, you might do this practice sometime over the next three days. If you’re not so into astrology or you stumble across this post in the future, feel free to do it whenever it feels right for you!
As usual, this practice is trauma-informed, which means that I offer a lot of options and use gender neutral, empowerment-based language, while also minimizing elements that could be triggering to folks. Please note that there are moments where I offer an invitation to bring your awareness to your pelvis and genitals.
Without further ado, here it is: