January Explorations: Cultivating Our Desires
...poems, a confession, journal prompts, mindfulness practices, and more to help you expand your erotic world and experience more pleasure in your sex life
…and just like that it’s 2024. Hot damn.
I hope you all had a wonderful new year celebration and have had a delicious start to the year! I spent my new year tucked happily away in a little cabin near Mount Shasta enjoying some rituals, light hiking, and the alone time that I have been desperately needing after an intense year of socializing and friend-making.
I’m not big on resolutions, particularly ones that are fueled by companies trying to make money off people’s insecurities, but I do think that the energy of the new year can be a good time for reflection and perhaps starting or continuing changes that we think would bring more fulfillment to our lives – as long as we ground this changemaking in the idea that we are enough, just as we are in this moment, and that there is nothing wrong with us.
Last month on here we explored creating more expansive foundations in our sexuality. With this month split between Capricorn season and Aquarius season, the theme for is: Cultivating Our Desires.
This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I’ve spent a lot of time in my life talking to partners, friends, and even strangers about sexual fantasies, and I believe that exploring what turns us on and our deeper desires is one of the keys to experiencing more pleasure in our sex lives.
When we understand what we find hot and what we’re really desiring, when we’re able to decide what erotic things we want to try and what things we don’t want to try, when we let go of what we should be doing and step into what we actually want to be doing, we can ask for the things that bring us pleasure and ultimately feel more fulfilled.
I’ve talked to so many people (including myself at various points in my life) who are having sex that is mediocre and unfulfilling – not because there is anything wrong with our partners or ourselves – but because we haven’t explored what our deepest fantasies are, or we haven’t allowed ourselves to communicate those desires to the people with whom we’re having sex.
Even though having sexual fantasies is incredibly common and normal, exploring this realm can be difficult for folks. When talking about fantasies in his book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, Dr. Justin Lehmiller says , “Instead of seeing them as something to be shared or possibly even acted upon, we tend to tuck them away in the deepest recesses of our minds because we view them as nothing more than a source of potential shame and embarrassment.”
It can be tough for everyone, but I think that this exploration can be especially challenging for people who have been socialized as women because we haven’t been given the same level of permission or provided as many opportunities to explore as people who have been socialized as men.
My hope is that you can give yourself permission this month (and every month after!) to explore your fantasies and the erotic desires that are contained within those fantasies.
Your sexual desires are beautiful and worthy of being witnessed and cultivated. You deserve to experience things that bring you pleasure and fulfillment. What turns you on can be different than what you were told you should be turned on by. It can be different than what turns your partner on. It can be different than what turned you on a year ago.
It’s your body, and there’s nothing shameful about your wanting.
This guide contains:
an oracle card pull for the collective (one for January & one for 2024)
suggestions for books, poems, and podcasts around this month’s theme
a confession about one of my favorite fantasies
journal prompts
a guide to some of my favorite ethically made visual, audio, and written porn/erotica sites
a mindfulness practice to help you explore your fantasies, with options to make that exploration witchier
a poetry and fiction writing prompt
some tips for survivors on navigating the erotic material world
some thoughts around shame & what to do when it pops up around your fantasy life
a pre-recorded yoga practice to integrate shame
I invite you to take your time in moving through this guide. Feel free to follow the activities in order, jump around, or skip whatever activities you would like!
It’s your body, your practice, and your choices are always welcomed and celebrated in this space.
A poem that makes me wish we still had milkmen:
“The Milkman” by Isabella Gardner