December Explorations
...activities, writing prompts, somatic practices, a tarot spread, and more to cultivate expansive foundations in our bodies & erotic lives
We are all sexual beings in some way, shape, or form.
But from an early age, many of us are told that we’re not supposed to be this way. That there is something wrong about sex – and even more wrong to desire it.
We are often discouraged from exploring our bodies, shamed for asking questions. We are sometimes humiliated at our schools when we start dating, called sluts and all its associated versions. We can be critiqued by our partners for what we desire, made to feel that we’re too much. We are often denied access to information that we need to keep ourselves healthy and advocate for our boundaries, our needs. And if we don’t desire sex, or only want it sometimes, in certain circumstances, we’re told that that’s wrong too.
…It’s all pretty messed up — and definitely not great foundations upon which to build our sex lives.
But what if we could create different foundations? Ones that embrace sexuality as an important and transformative part of our lives? Ones that acknowledge that we are whole, just as we are in this moment, that our pleasure is worthy of being prioritized?
Hello, hello — and welcome to this month’s workbook! Our theme this month is Expansive Foundations.
As I mentioned in my last post, thecuriousclit has some new additions. I’ll continue to publish some of my own personal reflections, written works by other authors that explore sexuality & gender, and conversations I have on the podcast — but each month I will also be offering a monthly workbook for paid subscribers, as well as some additional rituals and opportunities to explore and connect with other readers. This month, everything will be available to all subscribers so you can get a feel for what it will be like.
In December, we have Sagittarius season and the beginning of Capricorn season. Sagittarius, a fire sign, has an energy of expansion, while Capricorn, an earth sign, has an energy of organization and building.
As we’re hastily trying to find presents and attending various Christmas parties and dealing with all the family nonsense that pops up this time of year, I want to honor the energies of Sagittarius and Capricorn by expanding our idea of what is possible in our sex lives and rebuilding our foundations.
This guide contains:
an oracle card for the collective
everyday practice to include in your routine
activities (some witchy, some not)
journal prompts
a pre-recorded yoga practice
a meditation
poetry & fiction writing prompts
a tarot spread
suggestions for a book, poem, music, and podcast around this month’s theme
I invite you to take your time in moving through this guide. Feel free to follow the activities in order, jump around, or skip whatever activities you would like!
It’s your body, your practice, and your choices are always welcomed and celebrated in this space.
To begin, an oracle card for the collective:
As written in the Dawn version of the guidebook, “Rowan trees are a symbol of tenacity, capable of growing in the tiniest of crevices in cliffsides and rocks.”
When it comes to our sexuality, we might have difficult parts of our journeys, ones where we don’t think things are going to get better.
Maybe it’s been taking us a long time to orgasm, or we’ve never had an orgasm. Maybe we’re struggling to feel whole or to desire intimacy after sexual violence. Maybe our relationship is falling apart, or maybe we don’t feel like we could ever tell our partners about what we want in bed. Maybe we’re struggling to let go of the messages that religion gave us about sex. Maybe we feel dirty after acquiring a STI. Maybe our dating life has been full of rejection, and we feel like we’ll never find that partner. Maybe we have different levels of sexual desire than our partners.
Wherever you are at with your sexuality, I think this card is speaking to our ability to grow and to expand. That even just a small sprout of longing or desire to continue working with our sex life can grow into something beautiful and whole, even if the place we’re growing from doesn’t feel that nourishing.
Activity: If you’d like, you might even pull your own oracle or tarot card around the theme of expansive foundations, perhaps putting in your altar (described later in the guide).
As we start this exploration, I invite you to take some time and tend to your body and nervous system. Exploring our sexuality can bring up a lot of things for folks, so I encourage you to take time and tend to your body whenever you need.
Everyday Somatic Practice: You might place your hand on your upper body – perhaps both hands on your heart, or one hand on your heart, and another hand on your belly.
If it feels right, you might notice first any sensations that arrive with this contact between your hands and the rest of your body. You might notice your breath – no need to change anything, just witnessing the rhythm of your inhales and exhales.
Then, if it feels okay, you might take in any other sensations you might be experiencing your body as you’re reading all of this – any sensations of tightness or tension, expansion or opening, warmth or coolness, heart racing or slowing down.
Once you’re finished noticing, you might take a few moments and repeat the following affirmation as many times as feels right for you: my emotions are valid and worthy of being seen.
Feel free to repeat this practice every day, or as many times as feels right for you.
Suggested Poem: These Hands, if Not Gods by Natalie Diaz
This is one of my favorite poems and really speaks to me about the idea of sex being something that is transcendent. Also, I personally just think hands can be quite sexy because of all the amazing things they can do to our own bodies and to others’…so you know, there’s that :)
Journal Prompt: write about the best sex you’ve ever had. If you haven’t had a sexual experience that you would consider really good, you might just imagine what you think it might be like.
You might use these questions to help your reflection:
What happened during this experience? How did your body feel? How did you feel?
What was the context in which it happened (time of your life, relationship, where it took place, etc.)
What did it bring into your life?
I want to talk a little bit about my favorite research study. Some of you might have heard about it already because well, I do like to talk about it :)
In their tender book, Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers, researchers Peggy J. Kleinplatz, Ph.D and A. Dana Ménard, Ph.D discuss their research on magnificent sex. For this study, they interviewed 44 individuals who reported having experienced "great sex" and 20 sex therapists. They found that the characteristics that people used to describe magnificent sex were:
1. Being completely present in the moment, embodied, focused, absorbed
2. Connection, alignment, being in sync, merger
3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
4. Extraordinary communication and deep empathy
5. Being genuine, authentic, transparent
6. Vulnerability and surrender
7. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking and fun
8. Transcendence and transformation
If you’ve been a human existing in Western cultures, you’ve probably seen representations of amazing sex including an orgasm (usually the man’s!). If you’ve seen sex-positive posts on social media, you’ve probably seen a lot of information about sex toys, pleasure, and having more orgasms. You might even think, because of all that, that orgasms are the thing that define magnificent sex, and if you then read this list and wondered where the orgasms were, you certainly weren’t alone — I was right there with you.
We’ve been taught to think that orgasms define the quality of sex, that they’re the ultimate goal. And yes, they feel good, and yes, for people who historically haven’t had as much access to orgasms and sexual pleasure, such as women, trans, and non-binary folks, orgasms can be particularly important.
But the research wasn’t saying that orgasms weren’t a part of magnificent sex. When talking about orgasms, the researchers said, “Magnificent sex usually involves a sense of great physical satisfaction, gratification, and release, and sometimes even ecstasy.” But they found that “great physical sensation on its own is insufficient to experience great sex and is secondary in importance to other components.”…TLDR orgasms can certainly be a part of magnificent sex, but they aren’t the defining characteristic.
What this says to me is that the deeper meaning of sex is certainly not just about reproduction — but it also isn’t just about pleasure either.
Sex has the potential to bring us many of the very things that we’re longing for in our lifetimes. It has the potential to be much more than simply making babies, or having orgasms — it has the possibility to fulfill things that psychologists would describe as needs, such as:
Joy
Security
A sense of knowing and being known
Mattering
Purpose
Closeness
Belonging
Authenticity
Creativity
Hope
Growth
Freedom
Love
Intimacy
…and so many more
When discussing why they felt they needed to talk and write about magnificent sex, authors Kleinplatz and Ménard said, “It’s not frivolous — it can be life-altering. People talked about the benefits that it brought into their lives, the changes that it wrought. Sex is not just some bonus activity in life. It can define who we are, where we’re going and what we’re capable of becoming.”
Activity: Witnessing Our Emotions and Fulfilled Needs
Feel free to begin by look at the following list of positive feelings. If it feels right for you, you might write down all the positive feelings that you experience when you have really good sex (you can think about the before, during, and after).
You might then take the time to look at this list of needs. You’re then welcome to write down what needs you feel like sex has fulfilled in your life (in addition to just sexual expression).
[A note: you’re welcome to make general lists for these feelings and needs, or you might differentiate by different types of sex that you have.
For example, for me: the feelings I experience & needs that are fulfilled when I have soft, slow, romantic sex are very different than those that are fulfilled when I am having rough sex, or even if I am doing a kinky scene in a femdom role.]
When you’ve explored both your feelings and your needs, perhaps you might take some time and free write about what you notice about these lists.
If you have a partner or partners, you might also explore doing this activity with them: creating your own individual lists and then chatting together about them.
Embodiment Practice: Embracing Yourself as a Sexual Being
This is a 12-minute gentle, standing yoga flow where we explore the idea of being a sexual being and offer ourselves care & tenderness along the way.
Find it here:
Meditation: Whole Body Awareness Meditation
I chose to offer this whole-body awareness meditation because I think that allowing ourselves to be just present and accepting in our bodies can be helpful as we’re shifting the way that we view our sexuality and bodies.
This is a 22-minute gender neutral meditation. In it, I will guide you through being present through your whole body – including your genitals. This will be an opportunity for you to bring your attention compassionately and non-judgmentally to your body and the present moment.
If you like, you could even incorporate it into a solo sex session by using it to allow yourself to get comfortable in your body before you cultivate spicier sensations.
Find it here:
Prompt: Feel free to write a poem, short story, or even an essay from the perspective of your body (or even just your vulva and vagina!) about an experience of really good sex.
What was your body experiencing?
What made the sex so good?
What does your body want you to know about this experience?
This can be serious, it can be silly, or anywhere in between!
Writing Prompt: You might choose a song that always reminds you of hot sex. If it feels right, feel free to look up the lyrics and then write a poem, short story, or essay where you respond to these lyrics, perhaps using the following questions to get you started:
Do all of the lyrics feel sexy to you?
Do you feel like they reflect how you feel or reflect an experience that you’ve had?
Would you change any of the lines, and if yes, how so?
Tarot Spread:
Ritual: You might make an altar dedicated to your sexuality & the idea of cultivating expansive foundations. Incorporate any crystals, symbolic items, and elements that feel right to you.
Example Altar (feel free to use this to guide you or to create your own – this is your altar!):
a crystal (or two or three!) that resonates with you around the idea of building expansive foundations in your sexuality (if you’re not sure what crystal might work, this website could give you some ideas).
a tarot or oracle card that you pulled around this theme (or even the above tarot spread)
an item that feels nourishing
an object that feels connected to the past (to a time in your life, specific people, your ancestors)
an object that feels connected to an element that you would like to incorporate into this journey (water, fire, earth, air). If you’re curious about elements, you might check out this resource.
Perhaps you might take the time just to gaze at the items or even try doing the meditation linked below while being in front of or next to your altar.
Suggested song: Hymn of Healing by A Beautiful Chorus
I chose this song because of the lyrics (and the sound…it’s super soothing! But mainly the lyrics :)) I love the way it reminds us that we are all radiant beings – and I feel like this is a potent reminder, especially as we are navigating and shifting the shame that we might have around sexuality.
Suggested Podcast: Prioritize Your Pleasure on the Speaking of Sex with The Pleasure Mechanics podcast
So, I love this podcast in general – the hosts are so lovely and caring – but this episode aligns with this month’s theme. They talk about the benefits of prioritizing our pleasure, as well as what can make it difficult to do so.
Suggested Book: Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy J. Kleinplatz and A. Ménard.
I know it’s a book about a research study, which definitely doesn’t sound super exiciting….buuuuut it’s really beautiful. They share quotes from the people that they studied, and there is so much tenderness – I definitely cried a few times.
Thank you for being in practice with me - it’s a joy to be doing this work together, and I hope that you find some of these practices helpful. Please feel free to take what resonates with you and leave the rest.
I’d love to hear from you down below: are there any of these things that you’re excited to try? Maybe some that you’re nervous to try but still want to explore?
In practice with you,
Kelsey
Expanding and rebuilding our foundation is such an important work and life experience; I am grateful to be a part of this exploration in body mind work and realising how important it is not to be ashamed of anything inside and outside your mind ! 🌈🌺