Bringing Compassionate Curiosity to Our Sexual Shame
....April's guide with some adult sex ed, somatic practices, writing prompts, a tarot spread, and more to help us integrate sexual shame and access more pleasure in our sex lives
From the time that I first discovered that I could give myself an orgasm to now, shame has been a persistent part of my sex life.
I’ve felt ashamed of not being able to orgasm with a partner. I’ve felt ashamed of the way in which I had to touch myself in order to reach orgasm. I’ve felt ashamed of my attraction to people who aren’t cis men. I’ve felt shame about the wrinkliness of my outer labia when I’m not aroused. I’ve felt shame about how much pubic hair I have – especially those hairs around the bootyhole that I always forget to shave. I’ve felt ashamed of the way my vulva tasted and smelled. I’ve felt ashamed about the fact that I masturbate. I’ve felt ashamed of playing from a submissive headspace. I’ve felt ashamed of wanting to peg my male partners. I’ve felt ashamed of the shape of my areolas. I’ve felt ashamed of having a high sex drive. I’ve felt ashamed about being alone on Valentine’s Day. I’ve felt ashamed of the discharge that my body produced when I had a particularly gnarly yeast infection after going to some hot springs. I’ve felt ashamed about having an anal fissure. I’ve felt ashamed about giving in after I’ve repeatedly said no to sex. I’ve felt ashamed after being harassed and after being a victim of indecent exposure. I’ve felt ashamed about the content of my fantasies. I’ve felt ashamed of lovers seeing my naked body bouncing and jiggling during sex.
It’s not like the shame has disappeared, but I think one thing that is different for me after over a decade of being in the sexuality field and after doing my own work in therapy is that I know that I’m not alone. As Charlotte and Chris of the Pleasure Mechanics write, “Almost all of us struggle with some form of sexual shame – from body shame to faith-based shame, from kink shame to genital shame, almost everyone holds some shame.”
I’ve also done a lot of unlearning of the values and messages I’ve received, and I’ve done a lot of unpacking in therapy around experiences that I’ve had. I know that I don’t agree with the messages I received from Christianity about sexuality — and I now know that the sexual violence I have experienced is not my fault.
I also know that shame is often just trying to protect me from losing connection and wants to make sure that I’m safe. I don’t really want to experience shame – but I also understand why she’s there.
So when I notice shame making her appearance in my belly, chest, and throat, I say hello to her instead of trying to push her aside or even to release her. I offer her a nice cup of Tulsi Rose tea (sometimes a glass of Syrah, but only for special occasions) and ask if she wants to sit down. I get curious about what she has to say – and then I figure out how I want to approach her.
Shame and I, we’re not best buds or anything, but these days we know how to talk to each other.
This month in thecuriousclit, we’re doing a deep dive into shame. I’ve written about shame on here before – but this is gonna be a deeper dive because I know it’s something that we all deal with and is something that can have significant negative impacts on our self worth and ability to experience pleasure in our sex lives.
What does shame have to teach us? How can we learn from it? Is it better to integrate shame or to try to release it? When might it be something that dampens our arousal and when might it be something that heightens it. Is it even healthy to use it to heighten our arousal?
an oracle card for the collective
an everyday grounding practice to include in your routine
adult sex ed: what shame is & how to integrate it
a gentle, trauma-informed yoga practice cultivating delight
poetry & fiction writing prompts
a tarot spread
suggestions for poems, a short story, a movie, videos, and podcasts around this month’s theme
A little housekeeping: Starting in May, I’m going to need to reduce the number of posts I make for paid subscribers because I’m starting a new job and will have less time. Instead of doing new moon and full moon practices, I’m going to create just one mid-month mindfulness practice that weaves in our theme, astrology, and sex education. I’m also going to discontinue the paid subscriber chats (but will still be putting opportunities to share within the posts). I hope to bring the chats back at some point, but alas I think I’m just too small at the moment to make them a good dialogue :D I’ve lowered the monthly price of a paid subscription to $7.77 to reflect that shift.