Balancing Authenticity & Attachment in Our Sex Lives
....thoughts about this balance, how it shows up in my own sex life, and a dance meditation practice for the full moon lunar eclipse in Libra
With this full moon lunar eclipse being in Libra and with our theme for this month being feeling into our yeses, nos, and maybes, I’ve been thinking a lot about the balance between authenticity and attachment – and how that relates to how we act during sex.
When it comes to our experiences in sex, what is authentic to us and our bodies and what is something that we’re doing because we think it is sexy or we think it will please our partners? While thinking about our partner’s pleasure and enjoyment is important, at what point does it disrupt our own ability to be present in our own bodies and our own pleasure? How can we create a space safe enough to let our authentic sensual & erotic selves flourish while still maintaining the connection with our partners?
There are so many ways that this appears in my own sex life, but one of those ways is moaning.
Often, during sex with a partner, I have to remind myself to moan. When I do remember to make a sound, I sometimes find myself critiquing the moan: is it sufficiently sexy sounding or do I just sound like some sort of dying animal (lol)? Did I moan at just the right moment? What is my partner’s reaction to the moan – did they get turned on by it? Did it make this person get closer to coming? Am I moaning too much?
Over the years, I’ve wondered why exactly I am moaning…especially because I don’t usually make any sounds when I’m by myself, and it is rare for the moan to occur naturally during partnered sex.
Am I moaning because what is happening is actually making me moan? Am I moaning because it’s what I have picked up on TV and in porn as being sexy and I want to be sexy, so as to maintain my connection with this person? Am I moaning to let my partner know that what they’re doing feels good or to make them feel like they’re doing things “right”? Am I moaning to get them to come faster? And do I only not moan during solo sex because I grew up feeling a whole lotta shame around sexuality and had to try to not let it be known that this was something I was doing?
What I’ve come to is that it’s perhaps a little bit of everything.
I think that I sometimes do it with my partner and what is considered “sexy” in my mind, and I certainly have been socialized to hide my sex life — but I have noticed that there is a pleasurable aspect of it for me. Moaning sometimes makes things feel better and helps me orgasm, which I imagine is probably part psychological (seeing my partner get turned on and feeling sexually desired makes me feel like I matter) and also, part anatomy (our jaw muscles are connected to our pelvic floor muscles through a fascial line connections, so releasing your jaw muscles can help release your pelvic floor muscles).
For those of us who have been socialized as women, I think it’s often very easy for us to think and care about attachment, but less easy to take steps towards our own authenticity. Attachment is important and necessary, but I think we overvalue it, as nurturing our attachments is one of the ways we’ve survived within the patriarchy and other systems of oppression.
But what would happen if our choices to do certain things in our sex life came from an authentic place — wanting to increase our own pleasure (and yes, to turn our partner on, because we do often find that enjoyable), rather than something we feel obligated to do in order to liked or loved?
Some accompaniments for this exploration :
this poem + an interview with artist Rebeca Abidaíl Flores that drops us right into a conversation between galaxies & explores desire
this poem + an interview with poet Isabelle Correa on desire, shame, and integrating our past selves
Mindful Movement Meditation
For this full moon, we’re going to do something a little different: instead of a yoga practice, I’m offering a dance meditation. I’ll be sharing an optional playlist plus suggestions for how to cultivate your own erotic authenticity through a mindful dance practice.
You do not have to be a “good” or “sexy” dancer (what even are those anyway?!) to enjoy this practice — it’s all about feeling into your body and the present moment experience and practicing acting from your own authenticity in a less vulnerable, lower stakes environment than when we’re in the middle of sex with our partners.