As a kid, I had a lot of curiosity about sex, but an even greater amount of shame about it. Growing up in a small, rural part of Indiana with parents who were trying their hardest to fit in and adhere to the ideas of faith they’d been given by their families and communities, I thought my own sexuality, especially the fact that I had fantasies about women and that I masturbated, was going to get me sent straight to hell.
Since the only sex education that my school offered was abstinence only sex education, I didn’t really have anything to counter that information that was given to me by my parents and by my peers. I felt pretty alone and pretty afraid that I would be ostracized if I ever talked to anyone about the things that I thought about.
That all started to change when I became friends with
.Cat was comfortable searching for information about sex on the Internet, and she was comfortable talking about all the sex things that no one had ever talked to me about before. Being able to talk more openly (or as openly as I allowed myself at the time) with her was the first glimpse I got into a different world, one where it was okay to be curious about sex and it was okay to explore.
I am deeply grateful for the impact that Cat had on my life during this period of my life, and I know that being this person for myself and others wasn’t easy.
Cat Hoggard Wagley is now a writer and an individual and relationship therapist with an emphasis on human sexuality. On her socials, she is known for analyzing media around various mental health topics, including sexuality. In this conversation we talk not only about her experience learning about sexuality, but also about navigating shame, how sex negativity impacts the mental health field, and how writing, reading, and watching stories can help us heal.
As someone who stayed away from therapy for a long time after a session with a sex negative therapist, and also as someone whose healing journey has been greatly impacted by engaging with story, this conversation resonated deeply with me, and I’m so excited to be able to share it with you on here.
We Talk About:
How the media that was available during her childhood & adolescence impacted the way she thought about sex
How she was the person to whom other teens came to talk about sex
Being naturally curious about sex from a young age & her experience healing the shame she felt about that curiosity
How a scene from Pen15 helped her heal some of that shame around masturbation
Her therapy practice & what she specializes in
Investigating her own biases & how that has improved her own ability to be a therapist
How sex negativity impacts the therapy field (spoiler: a lot of therapists aren’t trained around sexuality) & why it is important to investigate potential therapists to find one who is comfortable & knowledgeable about sexuality
How sex therapy can help folks investigate the shame and trauma that could be holding them back from being able to fully enjoy & experience pleasure in sex
The impact of shame on people’s lives & how separating our own values from the ones in which we were raised can help
Her experience with writing & how stories can help us heal
Her book that she is co-authoring with another counselor about exploring the right & wrong reasons to have kids
Where to find her social media, info about her therapy services, and links to articles
About Cat:
Cat Hoggard Wagley (she/her) is an individual and relationship therapist with an emphasis on human sexuality. She believes therapy has a role in reducing shame, and hopes to help her clients' lives of safety and authenticity which affirm their needs and identities.
She is currently writing a book with a coauthor and will be on submission to major publishers this spring. The book, THE RIGHT REASON, will help you discover whether or not you want to have children with an emphasis on affirming the child's autonomy as well as identifying your own values and reasons to have children.
Find more about her & her work at: https://bio.site/saymoretherapy
Thank you so much to Cat for sharing her story and her wisdom with us! I hope that this episode helps you all feel a little bit less alone in your experience with sexuality and mental health.
If this episode resonated with you, feel free to tap the heart button, share the post, or leave a comment with your thoughts down below. I love hearing from readers about what comes up for them :)
In practice with you,
Kelsey
P.S. For folks in the US who might be searching for a sex positive therapist, the directory for American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists is an excellent resource.
Thank you for reading the thecuriousclit, my newsletter + podcast where I hope to spark curiosity and conversations about sex and our bodies! Many of the posts in this publication are free, but to support my work and the de-stigmatization of sexuality, you can like, comment, and/or share my posts, visit my website, follow my Instagram, or become a paid subscriber to access monthly guides and practices <3
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